most prized posession, and the existential blues..

I remember when as a 13 year old boy, when asked what my most prized possession to bring on a desert Island would be, I said my journal. I didn't say why. Even at that point, I had so many things that I regretted having thought and written that I wouldn't want them released to the public, or even worse, those I loved, in my absence.

I wasn't necessarily dreading their reaction upon my return, but mainly my inability to explain some of the more disconcerting things that may have been read. But Mainly, I said it becuase I was new, and I thought that being the cerebral ( yeah... it was the 90s, people still said it...) kid would afford me a new identity. And My long running slavery to the cruel master of identity and to my past commenced.

I've put quite a bit of distance between me and that fateful fall 1999 wednesday night, but in another since, maybe I haven't come all that far.

But in the end, I'm not "Doug" or Don Miller, or that guy from " A Christmas Story" and my life can't be lived in the dramatic romantic, past-tense, omniscient observer perspective. Whatever I do, I can't simply chalk up as a victory to character establishment, plot development or rising or falling drama. It is what it is. I'm a grown up, and with grown up toys come grown up rules.

If life were a TV show, I wouldn't be driving a 93 dodge conversion van.... or would I??? The rebel against the greenies and the hippies? The guy, who for the sake of image, puts on the image of not caring about his image? No. I drive a Blue 93 dodge conversion van. It's paint is falling off, it gets terrible gas mileage, and it's a pain to park. But its reliable, it's comfortable, and it was one of the most generous gifts my parents had ever given me.

Even Garrison Keillor saves dramaticizing the small moments for fiction... life is what it is. And it's real. So I must answer the age old question posed by "T-bone" Tom Stankus, " Is this Schizoid paranoia, Is this Plato's Heebie Jeebies, or just existential blues?



What I'm listening to right now? Existential Blues by "T-bone" Tom Stankus
(If you ever want to know what my unoccupied mind looks like for 6 minutes or so, please listen - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEOQQvGffWE )